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Coaster Quips: whatchamacallit

Setting – Average afternoon lunch with various colleagues on the patio of a bistro. The conversation turns to relationships.


James, 23 year old, “Well, I’ve had like three cougars.”

Me-(snapping back into conversation after looking at my phone) “You who-a-what. what?”

James- “Relationships… I have experience with cougars, I’ve dated three of them.”

Shandra, 40+ year old, “Well, isn’t that something?! James, if you like older women then maybe I should introduce you to my friend…” (picks up phone to look for a picture of the friend)

Nic, 30+ years old, reaches for Shandra’s arm like she’s trying to stop a train wreck. “Waaaiiit a second, Shandra.” ( Nic looks at James )  “James, what is a cougar to you. How old is that?”

James- (serious voice, as if to educate the group) “A cougar is  woman over thirty that still wants to have sex.”

Shandra – (puts down her phone and speaks to James flatly) “Oh sweetie, that’s not a COUGAR! That’s called UN-MARRIED. “


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For the Wanda’s…

There’s a popular little hole in the wall, it’s not main stream or anything, it’s just a lil place on the corner of DeepRoot Pain Ave and ShameHurt St. It’s one of those places that is a high-cost to get into, but hey, as cheap as you feel, the drinks are cheaper !

I guess you could get all philosophical and say this is a purgatory for those not feeling worthy enough to get mad. Eh. I think of it as a transformation platform for those not ready to “make nice”.  The crowd here is a mix of regulars and newbies. The only way I can tell the difference is how they take that first sip of self medication. The newbies hesitate, I guess filled with guilt and sense that it isn’t right, in a way… somehow, this place isn’t the talk-show approved place to be for their situation. The regulars, well they just hit it fast and hard, used to self medication, they thrive on the feeling of dull misery. ( it’s better than full throttle misery).

You know, it’s that place where isolation breaks, and you reach out – to someone or something to transition from a lonely place. It used be called Guilt and now it’s The Accountability. Either way, it hasn’t changed much. Inside, it’s still built from the inability to communicate the wrongs that have happened &  still recipients of all the wrong advice are welcomed.  I will tell ya, we don’t really like the “fixer” type here. There’s always someone coming in to bartend with no experience, and no ability to listen. You know, the type you explain what you want and all they do is tell you what ( they think) you need.  The fixers don’t last long here, the crowd shifts away and the fixer seems to self-importantly disappear. Never fails.

Really, it’s pretty simple, we aren’t here to be fixed or get happy. We just are waiting to get mad.

Mad for the injustice. Mad for being left alone. Mad for being beaten. Mad for being abused. Mad for being ignored, hurt, used… and damn tired for having to make nice with assholes.

No one socializes much. We aren’t really a trusting bunch. Well, maybe a newbie will tell their horrors in hopes to find it lands on compassionate ears. But most of us have already been down that road and found more disappointment, some found judgment, some found directions to the nearest church or therapist.

Seriously, I know you get this, how much does it suck to just want someone to talk too and all you get is a quick piece of advice to go to someone else?

It’s funny, I’ve heard so many people say… ” Why don’t abused women, just leave?! They must like it. ”  Or, ” Depression is just self pity.” Or ” if you wear that you are begging to get raped.” Or how about … ” You got beat because you are worthless.”

Oh wait, no, that last one isn’t something I’ve heard. It’s actually kind of offensive and completely follows the same line of logic, though.

At any moment, anyone is capable of anything.

Once outside this establishment, I have to ask myself, is this station for “the lonely, in recovery” in business, because of cognitive dissonance?






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Simple explanation for the battle of the sexes

I read a recent interview with Vince Vaughn, in it he comments on how he disagrees with how men approach dating.

The article quotes him disagreeing with the manipulation tactic often used to make a woman feel bad enough about herself to date a guy.

Though shocking & bad – it happens & it works. Women are a breeding ground for socially instilled insecurity, then there are individual insecurities. It’s the perfect scam…but why does it work !?

Desire for human companionship is in males & females however- the desired type of company is the dating impasse.

Males typically want a woman as a cure to loneliness ( when he is lonely.)
Females typically want a man to cure to loneliness ( constantly for partnership.)

Going back to the beginning – in Biblical mythology,  Adam was created & as a cure to loneliness Eve was created.

Eve was built to be alongside Adam & in theory only knew & understood partnership.  Hmm.

If we go back farther into Eden mythology, Lilith was created alongside Adam with the same independent nature. Often depicted as a dark haired maven, Lilith was banished for not bearing children or being submissive & basically got the street cred for being the demon villain causing crib death in the Middle Ages.

So today – we have guys that evade serious relationships & women who seek it out veraciously willing to do anything to be the “apple” of her man’s eye.

Today – women who are older and never have been married are demonized for dating, for screwing, for being damaged because they have never been picked by a man in marriage.

All through time we have heard of these unpartnered women as : spinster, the witches, the sluts, and now the singles … women are equal to men everywhere but in the minds of both women & men.

Were some of us born to be Lilith’s & others born to be Eve’s ?

I have to wonder, is it as simple as ying/yang ? For every Eve out there, is there a Lilith ?

Were some women created to be alone ?


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Benched, balls and the game of love


I finally told Nic that her yoga pants had seen more Real Housewives then a yoga mat. It was time to drop the wine glass and “woe is my singleness” and get out there and embrace her free time.

I met her the next week to discuss her adventures. She had told me on the phone that she had accepted an invite to go see a work-league softball game. At the game, she met Kurtis. He was a SWM 30 something, with great hair and an intelligent knack for light conversation. All the next week, polite texts bleeped on her phone and by the next weekend, the banter got personal.

I met her for a martini and she handed me her phone to read the recent developments with Kurtis.

Nic – Soooo, ( sitting at the table and laying her purse to the seat beside her) I just found out he’s been married before and when I told him I had not been, he asked me if I was (air quotes) “mean or something”.

Me- Ohh Sh*t. Noooo. (shock)

Nic – and he asked me what was wrong with me.

Me – (orders martinis and looks at her wide eyed)

An hour later ….

Nic – So now if you haven’t been legally divorce-dumped you aren’t nice!? ( she looks up at the bartender with a nod and a lift/shake of her martini glass to order another one)

Me – (to Nic) It is kind of illogical that never being married now makes you seem like a liability.

Nic- So is the train of thought, if you haven’t been “picked” – are you destined to be left on the bench?

Me- Woah… is dating in your thirties, actually like softball?

Nic- Don’t you dare make this into an article, I am mean. Oh my god. My mother told me this would happen when I refused to go out with her friend’s second cousin. But he had moth-ball breath, MOTH BALLS. I couldn’t do it. Maybe I am mean and single and I’ll be the mean old lady that neighborhood children are scared of. This is how it happens… how the mean lady gets her street cred.

Me- Can we wait till 60 before we start buying mumu’s and arranging what your haunted cat house is going to look like ? ( laughing )

Nic – Ugggh ( haha ) FINE!

Poor Nic felt like an old maid – destined to be this woman who wasn’t “picked”… but is this theory only for women? Or do men suffer the “never married” stigma as well?

The next day, I met our friend Peter for a round of pool and a catch up chat. Peter was also a 30’s never married “bench warmer” and I decided to ask him his thoughts.

As a bachelor, Peter ranked as the tall, blonde, race-car driving type outlaw meets movie good looks. As he swallowed his sip of a Miller Light, I asked what was it like as a mid-30s single guy.

Peter – (looked at me flatly)  you are writing about this topic aren’t ya? (smiles and hands me his pool cue) I can be interviewed after I pee, Barbara WaWa.

Me – (smile/laugh) shut up and go to the bathroom ( take the pool cue as he walks off to the men’s room)

I killed my drink, motioned for another round and lit one of his cigarettes.

Peter –  (back from the bathroom and taking the cue ) so what is this all about. I want to find love and in the mean time I want to get laid. Pretty simple.

Me – (thoughtfully nodds a response while taking a sip of my beer)  Ha, you forgot to mention that since you have been 21, you have continued to date girls of the same age …even though you get older.

Peter – hmm Ha yea. Your shot. ( he points to the pool table with this beer)

I changed the conversation, I knew he was lonely – and though I was curious, I would not pry into it.

As I puffed on another of his Camel lights and swallowed the last bit of my warm beer, it hit me!!

The “formerly married”  now in the single game, have an advantage over relationship rookies. They have the experience of the rise and fall of marriage, which gives insight on what will and won’t work for them in their relationship futures.

Maybe those of never married “bench sitters” can take this tip. In the game of love and dating maybe we need to keep in mind what we learned from our dating experiences to make thoughtful choices in our dating futures.

*Oh and it never worked out for Nic and Kurtis. Peter is still a bachelor.

** Nic and Pete would be perfect for each other…

Let’s play ballllll !

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Coaster quips – not original

Guess in the pains of calorie logging, the jest & vent food search is a common place.   ( as well as profanity)



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Coaster quips – werk it

When I’m walking along and people look at me funny I think its because they think I’m gorgeous & I think they are in my way.

…or I think my fly is down. #normaldaythoughts.

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Lost in Paris – the beginning


I once met a woman.

She was a breathing purgatory of unmet vision. Her experienced adventures were bubbling within her, without space or time to tell her tales.

She danced on the line of “master & student” of life’s mysteries. I could tell this instantly, it read in her eyes.

We met at a December charity event. A soiree with After Five attire, at the home of the chanclor of a private university.

I didn’t meet her until the end of the evening. The prior hours of explicit social pains, made finding her all the more a treasure.

The invitation to the soiree said After Five attire. When I entered the party, I realized the invited were literally in After Five clothing ( like “after 5, just left the office”…)

Two things happened when I walked in, the women looked at me like I was a Cuban Jessica Rabbit …and their husbands looked at me like I was Jessica Rabbit.

I had be-bopped in there with a black, cocktail dress, smokey eyes, curls and heels. The gaggle of sweater vested intellectuals circled me at the foyer.

I was pulled away from the lynch mob by a friendly little lady who chattered me to the open bar & socialized herself back to the sweater vests.

I grabbed a white wine spritzer and did what any gal would – act bubbly & steered clear of any old man at cleavage level.

….to be continued.


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