Shandy never calls.
She didn’t sound distressed in her voice mail message. It sounded more like she wanted to tell me something. We had spoken recently, so it’s not a “Hi, how are you?” call.
…and I think… what if he’s free? ( the “he” is Shandy’s brother, Dean) I can’t help but think, what if he asked for me?
What if the guy I loved so much, so long ago, decided NOT to get married in 4 weeks?
Shocked at the thoughts that came flooding into my head, I tried to bat them all away, sitting in the privacy of my living room with a tennis racket of logic and crazy balls of thought.
Crazy ball of thought: she’s calling because he still loves me.
Forehand Swing and a hit: we dated 5 almost what, 6 years ago? So many things changed, forgotten torn down and things built, friends, deaths, accidents, boyfriends, lovers, room-mates past…
Crazy ball of thought (pretending to be logic) : there is something to say for connection and gravity. The way even when not speaking, a single look across a room would send an energy arc through any social affair.
Backhand swing and a hit thought: Just busy yourself and forget theses assumptions!
I’m alone at home tonight, doing laundry and dishes and dusting…
I entertain myself with thoughts, things I shouldn’t be thinking, things that I haven’t allowed myself to think in years.
Fiddling with my phone, I play Tetris and imagine Shandy asking me if I still love him or exactly why IS it that I have detained my plans to leave town… and do I still love him?
As I sit and fiddle on my phone, my mind stammers for the perfect answer, to leave the door open in case she is the messenger of a notice I’ve been waiting to hear for years. (“He said today that he has honestly never loved anyone as much as he honestly loved you.”)
While my mind starts spinning into a web of “what if” conversations, the thought of calling her back… or even paying attention to my Tetris game is completely forgotten.
I was so busy conjuring my witty/romantic response to an imaginary conversation and then I see it.
The last swing of logic shows up right on my phone screen.
I had missed a few pieces and…