In the 99 day bday of Tequilatudes, I have posted some of my best drunken diatribes from the bar front –
June 29, 2013
Hey! Last night I worked late and met my friend Sam for a drink at a little bar near my place. We were minding our own when a 21 yr old car sales man rolls up to us and starts talkin. I had just finished a sentence telling Sam to start dating again for fun and he introduces himself as T.J.
His boss shows up behind him… Will a 60+ year old, pink polo sport’n, lil slice of old spice. I assume he was there supervising young T.J as he laid his mack for awhile and then left us with cash to get our next round. * Hell yea. Great move.
They come back to our table eventually and dude is hitting on Sam as Will slips into the chair closest to me. In an effort to encourage Sam to date, I suggest maybe go get something from your car n wink-wink make out.
They do and I’m left chatting with Will about his wife and kids and business and oh wait… suddenly the innocent conversation with Grampa car seller turns when he advises he’s in an open marriage.
As we talked, he kept ordering beer on his tab, the youngins flirt-cash was in my purse and I had fun poking Will’s drunk psyche on his open marriage. Poor guy. We had fun chatting. Then he made me start looking up Jethro Toll songs and he tells me what college was like before I was born.
Sam is gone for a while. I text her and wait, I text her again. Nothing. Soon a waitress comes to our table and gets me saying she needs to know where my friend went. *Hmm.
I said to her car. The waitress said there was a disturbance call and she would hate to call the police if I could save her the trouble. I bolt outside with the waitress behind me, leaving Will with a spinning bar chair next to him. She says ” side of the building” like if we were busting a case on SVU. I make the corner and I hear a crowd of horrified people. I walk through the crowd and ldon’t see anything. This is not the part of the parking lot where we parked, I don’t see anything and my heart is beating with expectation.
I call her name and hear a sheepish “Yesssss.” from behind a bush.
They were doing it. In the bushes. In the parking lot. And drew observers (that even stated they walked around the bushes and saw the whole thing and applauded after they heard/saw ball clapping.)
She eventually emerges and the waitress starts hollering about how gross that is and how she should call the cops. I disperse the crowd and wait for her inside. As I try n collect a rendition of what happened from the midnight lovers, good ol Will puts his hand on my leg and winks. I turn bluntly and said “Bud, isn’t it time for your heart medicine?” He got the picture.
The drunk boys leave and I laugh my ass off at my friend and buy her a shot. Because – she did this SOBER. The waitress was amazed she didn’t leave after it happened and came in for another drink.
They way I saw it, she was sober, and I needed one and to hear the story. I did however make sure Sam knew the favor the waitress did for her, by getting me and not calling the cops. Of course I suggested she write her a thank you note on the receipt for good measure.
I walk the trot if shame with her back to the hill to retrieve the contents of her pockets. There are people in a parked car that holler “Damn girl u back to the tree again ?!?!” I look at her with one eye brow up and she mutters they may have been parked there when “it” started.
I am slowly coming out of shock. I’m home tonight where it’s safe. She asked to come over to the fire pit with “boy toy”. I said once her back heals from branch scratches I’d think about it. Thank god the cops were not called ! She already had a hose turned on her. Blahahaha.