So. I’m dealing with my own brand of the human experience – hope one day – demotivated the next second. Tonight was one I lamented not putting on a party dress and going out as was my norm – and I detested going home and being frumpy and alone.
While my me time is warranted, I often find therapy in the literal public eye. Be it in a group or alone, I love to be OUT.
Crowds don’t faze me. Bumping and energy feels like home. ( for example I never felt more Zen than my first time in the crux of NYC) now – I don’t attract friends or lovers who have that kinda energy field – I may be alone – but I think someone out there gets it.
Man, I felt like purposeless crap tonight. Nothing to say. Needing my social buzz and being in prisoned in my own walls.
I had lost my belief in destiny. In hope. In chakras. In yoga. In granola. Hell – if it was healthy – I was over it!!
Then just as I finished a post on Afterparty ( my other blog ) I get a call from Jo.
The final punch line is the call invigorated me. It gave me the purposeful high I was craving. I now feel calm.
She had explained in the call that she was feeling bad after taking this medicine. We discussed symptoms and when she said her throat felt like it was closing – I KNEW. It’s an allergic attack.
Yea – I’m a drama nerd. No – I wasn’t in band. Yea – I have allergies. Some I’ve gotten over and some that could kill me.
I was able to advise her on what to do. And she said about 39 mins into our hour long talk that she felt so much better.
Sigh. I needed to be present at this moment. I needed to be needed and it’s ethereal to know I was aware when the opportunity arrived.
I don’t feel stuck anymore. I don’t feel lonely or bored. I don’t require lime light to feel complete.
Tonight my destiny was to help a friend – not to sport fashion and teal Smashbox eyeliner out and sip martinis. Had I been doing that and missed her call – what would have been her destiny ?
We ARE called – we DO have gut feelings – if we believe they are for the better or worse depends on our faith.
Mine is weak. Ill admit it friends.
I hate healthy stuff right now. And crave being in the thick of life in this horse-fkn town.
But. I didn’t follow suit tonight. I begrudgingly followed heart – and it lead me to a new place.
If my write and rant catches you at a moment you hate – in a place in life you deplore – at a time you wish you were elsewhere …
I hold your hand and say – take heart ( and a sip from my glass ) you are here and your only job is to be aware of the reason.
I was weak today. If you are now. I’m here with no judgement – to let you know – you are where you are to impact. One or thousands – you have a purpose to be in a seemingly non-senseical place ! Find it. Or let it find you.
<3. Cheers !