I have glanced at transcriptions of past conversations this evening.
I found it to be a bewilderingly, sweet memory of “a relation-of-sorts.”
While it is painfully reminiscent, I can glide through the messages and read it as a script to a sexy story.
As I read it, I see words that didn’t stick out to me before… like “I wish you could come”; “I love you”; “I miss you”;”I want you here.”
Much like a script I had no privy too, I question myself, as the author, and ask; “What are you saying? RUN into the open arms. SAY YES!”
At the time, the beautiful sentiments were missed. I was busy being…busy. (and sending my multi-tasking texts out in the stratosphere.)
But somewhere, there was a single-tasking person, reading my busy flippant replies.
(I hang my head)
I did hear some things he said, such as,” YOU never listen.” I often wondered WHAT did he mean by THAT?
(sigh) Why is it so hard to put into words, what is closest to your heart?
Once, I had a someone critique the blog and suggest I really SHOW the reader what I was feeling.
HA. In this case, I feel exposed, resentful and would ask what exactly do you WANT me to show you ( as the reader)?
I can’t rip open my chest and tell you (pointing to a portion of the heart) “this part was his.”
I can’t take you through a field trip of my mind and SHOW you “…these ideas,this growth and this connectivity was born out of that friendship”
…and I cannot take you on a trip with me like some Scrooge-y Vaginal Tale of the ghosts of lovers past and SHOW you how my eyes sparkled, or how I made his day, or how he wiped my tears or how even with few words…we knew.
I have always vowed not to be SO cheesy to put the title of one of my works actually IN the piece…but in this case (if you glance at the title) you will know what I am asking myself now.
Of Late, my epic party-gal path has turned more quiet. This change has been difficult for me to stand.
(For a loud-mouthed-drinkn-sanquine-writer, the silence can be deafening.)
…Now in the silence, I hear and see things I missed before. Now reading those messages, I heard.
I guess I am learning to listen.