“Bitch, you just don’t know… ” (and other things you wish you could say to married people)

Top Five things Singles wish they could tell Married friends.

1. Singles hate being seen as a “Minus-One”:
Coupled people, tend to say stuff that makes being single sound like a disability. For example: The married friend that announces they are having a dinner party and since it’s couples only, they can’t invite the Single because it would be awkward. Or, a married friend will look at you and wince and ask over coffee, “So, how did that last relationship go?” What Singles would like to say is: ” IT FAILED! WHY are we drinking coffee? Your liver was pickled before we turned 25, where is the tequila?! And about the dinner party? Well cupcake, I guess you should have registered at Crate and Barrel for more single friends! I want free food. Damn it.”

2. DID you just YAWN? Seriously?:
On behalf of single people everywhere, the “all about baby” stories are boring – to everyone, but you.
Yes, they are even boring to your child.
Stop trying to ask your husband if that’s true and listen to me.
People pretend to be interested in your stories because they care about you. It makes your friends want to throat-punch you when you act so uninterested in their topics of discussion that you yawn and check your phone. We wish we could ask you to offer the same interest level we give to you. Faking interest is something real friends do. Sheesh!

3. Stop Getting Offended:
When a Singleton vents about their ebbs and flows with relationships, it appears that married friends get offended. (Like the Googling of “voodoo dolls to squash love” is an affront to your marriage or something…)
Single people vent about dating. They go through spats where they hate the gender they are dating. They hate love and they get sarcastic about marriage.
Stop getting your personalized wedding napkins in a wad! The single is venting about their life, not throwing judgment or shade on your wedded bliss. Often we are looking to partnered friends to rejuvenate hope in love.

4. Singles are not wild. You are not a Nun:
Seems like married friends love to coax out the Single’s stories and then just shake their head and smile and say “Wow.” WOW what ? (looking around the room)
No one knows what you are wowing. What is so shocking? The dating world is similar to the way it was when you left it. Sex, Drugs (Viagra) and Rocky Road (when it doesn’t work out). What’s it to “Wow.” We want to tell you, this behavior makes you seem like a snob and it makes your single friend feel like you think they are a whore. Everyone is friends, so why not let the conversation ebb and flow naturally and that will help avoid awkwardness of not knowing what to discuss.

5. Bitch, you just don’t know:
Look, it’s true, sometimes married people think they have problems but what you don’t know, is most Singles pre-cum at the thought of sharing the electric bill with someone…so, forgive us for not seeing the issue.

For example, to a Single person (that is not on the market for VD) sex is not something we have on the regular. So, turning to a Single to go on and on about the “death” of your avid honeymoon-sex life is really damn cute.
No, no, seriously, we feel really bad that your Mom doesn’t have to reassure your Grandmother that you aren’t a lesbian because you have YET to tie the knot. Mmmhmm… no no, go on …pluheeease.
What Singleton wants to say is “Here, you poor little partnered doll-face, come to my house for a Golden Girl’s marathon accompanied with Googling is that an ingrown hair or chlamydia…yea… and then tell me that being sexless in the suburbs is a concern.

Was that harsh? No.
We all get annoyed and that dang grass always looks greener, but the point is that married or not – we are all the same individuals that became friends in the first place…and friendship is something that relationship status should never put asunder.

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