Ah this stupid flashing line, the line of text waiting to appear on the blank virtual page. Much like a metronome for writers or a tapping finger of an impatient interviewer. This line on the screen blinks and blinks and impatiently waits for the writer to tell the truth. I stammer, I look away, I type and delete…my throat feels dry.
I look at my phone, on it, a recent message from an ex. I think about how this message altered my mentality. I struggle to look for words to appease the blinking line on this virtual page and words to tell you what the hell happened. Truth is, I don’t know where to start.
I remember most about him the following: how oddly we met, how much I didn’t like him, a 3-hour call during a snow storm, learning we could discuss books and movies with ease, the day I realized perhaps this odd man was likeable. The final memory, once after our tryst was over in the warmth of Spring, I remember laying on my bathroom floor in tears begging God and the Universe to please never let me fall in love. Explaining in sobs muffled by a bath towel, that I would rather be alone and happy than to survive again the agony of a broken heart.
The air has turned cool now, it is the start of Fall.
As oddly as we met, we encountered each other again about a week ago. A few messages here and there, I wondered why he had returned to only discuss the past.
It was not long before I heard from him, I saw on social media that he had new mate. An official relationship. (whatever that means.) It was a sting to my pride as he wasn’t in the place to be with anyone seriously when he knew me and it appears in the last months he must have found that place. While I was happy he was happy, I was ill, that I was not.
To hear from him was like the past came up to me in a blind spot, with a flash light under its nose saying “Booga-Booga”, like an annoying kid trying to scare you at Summer Camp.
I asked : “…why I wasn’t perceived as a relationship girl ?”
And he said : “In my opinion, bc I can’t speak for anyone else, you just seemed like you weren’t ready to be in anything serious. You seemed more concerned about hanging with your friends and partying. You are super fun but I was looking for someone who was read to chill and relax. You are a very awesome person with a huge heart. You also have a bit of a wild side.. lol”
I replied: ” I can’t breathe. Thank you for your honesty. I. um. yea.”
He said: ” No problem, am I wrong ???”
I responded: “I am not mad. Are you wrong? Yes and no. We wanted the same thing. I still want to find that. I learned a lot about myself during that time with you. I am glad I asked because it was like a huge light bulb going off…”
At this point, I didn’t say the light bulb was of a flash light under his nose and how he was like the annoying kid at Summer Camp.
But I did explain that his statement made me see that while I was killing time in the single life, expecting to find coupled bliss that perhaps my means of waiting to find the ONE was what was keeping me from the lifestyle that I wanted to find. It was a unification moment of all the realizations I had come too in the last few months since we had met…and this showed me…who I am, who I was and made clear to me that I need to make clear to myself and others, what it is that I want.
I said ” I didn’t want to face what mattered to me. I ran. What you said is true. I was carrying on and I knew better. Live and learn, I guess. lol”
I was tormented for days.
Had living my single life ( for the fabulous and the lame) cost me a relationship? Had my “Tequilatude moments” cost me more than a bar tab? Had…it cost me the chance to find love?
I knew I was growing weary of the limelight of the party world. That shots were few and far between. That nights at home were more delicious sounding to me than a flashy $10 martini out on a Friday in a crowded bar. That made sense to me. It made sense to me that I, fearing love, make it appear that I am available but un-reachable emotionally. I run. That was an issue. What bothered me was the comment about my friends…and the thought of “Who would I have needed to be to have made that situation go any differently?”
Could I change?! COULD I BE DIFFERENT THAN WHO I AM, RIGHT NOW? The answer slowly made peace with my torment…
YES. I can change. I know I can because I am different all the damn time. (LOL I’m growing…. what can I say?)
But while partying is non important, will my friend-family NOT be a concern or active part of my life? I felt so tormented because, I don’t know how to be that person who is NOT concerned about the people in my life. My family is important and my friends are family… To see the truth, I had to see that I am NOT a person who can live without concern for my life and be genuine.
Today, is my birthday.
Today, I realized that he was messaging me because he missed the funny, the witty, the independent person, the big heart that he decided was not ready to relax. I guess maybe in his found security he missed the “wild side” he perceived that I had going on.
Today, I deliver this message: ” I can go to bed on time. I can give up cigarettes & they can take my wine… but no one can take my wild side. It is not a side, it is my passion for life.” He sent me a message, I deleted it, not being read… I had seen what the past had to show me.
I’m stealing that flashlight from the annoying kid and I’m going forward…with light.