The year mark

It had been a year since my life had changed from a rosy (cosmo-colored) view.

The day of the arrest, Nic picked me up from jail after I had been released on bond. It was about 11 am when I realized what today was. I sent Nic a message. As I sent it, I realized I was emotional. A blend of gratitude and tears dried my throat as I tried to compose myself while hitting “send” on the message. I was sitting in a beautiful space, with a fancy lap top, and a gorgeous outfit – those are the externals, on the inside I was more grounded, reminiscent and with old walls broken down, more grounded in reality than ever I had been before. By grounded in reality, I mean that I had been living in a space where if it looked good – it was good. If I lived in a beautiful condo in the best building in town, it didn’t matter I had no idea how to fold sheets or that my garbage disposal was never working because of a beer bottle cap that was stuck and forgotten in there. If I had a new car, it didn’t matter the inside was filled with mail and clothes from never stopping my social life long enough to handle such minute tasks. If I looked good – it didn’t matter if I was healthy. I don’t know of the weight of my words are fully coming out in my prior paragraph – I lived under a false philosophy that if I candy coated – and martini laced – and smiled that my life was fine. My life was not fine – no, I was not fine. I had not been fine for awhile and ironically I had no real idea. That’s what a lack of awareness will give you, a false reality. I paid my bills, I excelled at a great job, I held my own… but on the inside, something was missing…and that something was me. This may sound like esoteric swill, and perhaps it is… but I digress – So, I’m sitting in a gorgeous place and space and send Nic a note – so intuitively she asks if I am emotional – I feel the dreaded lump in my throat. On this very day a year ago – I was waiting for her outside of the Jail, I had scabs on my head and knee and knuckles from cuts from the night before. I was wearing an outfit I had put on probably 16 hours prior. I was shaken. She asked me if I needed anything and I said no. She knew better, she stopped and got me a bottle of water and diet coke and cigs. I had no idea I was so THIRSTY. She stopped at Subway and got me a sandwich while I waited in the car. She dropped me off at home and she gave me instructions to go drop my clothes by the door and take a long hot shower then eat and then call her if I needed to go to the hospital for my injuries. I thanked her. I wandered inside my house. I did as she said. I was different. For the first time, all of this was just STUFF… and I was emotionally awake. It was staggering to know what had occurred and what I had grown past in the last year since my arrest…yet nothing is quite the same after you experience that rabbit-hole of awakening.

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