I was delighted when I first came across Liz Koch’s amazing work because it confirmed much of what I’d been intuiting on my own. I had begun to open and close my yoga practise with hip opening poses with the specific intention of releasing tension in my psoas and hip flexors. I’d breathe and imagine tension flowing out of constricted muscles to be released as energy into the torso.
It worked, I’d feel my body soften yet somehow grow stronger.
Reading Liz Koch I instantly realized what I was doing – by learning to relax my psoas I was literally energizing my deepest core by reconnecting with the powerful energy of the earth. According to Koch, the psoas is far more than a core stabilizing muscle; it is an organ of perception composed of bio-intelligent tissue and “literally embodies our deepest urge for survival, and more profoundly, our elemental desire…
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At Nic’s house going through her dresser to find my earrings she borrowed.
Me- Um, hun, why is there bread in your drawer?
Nic – Oh god…
Me – I’m just going to set it up here so you won’t forget to … (looks at her) hun, why is there bread in your dresser? (laughing)
Nic – So I went out last night . I woke up this morning feeling woozy, stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee and found a can of biscuits all over the counter.
Nic – Yea, and biscuits on a baking sheet, at least those were cooked.
Me – (looking at Nic amused)
Nic- …. And I had put a post-it on the butter that said “not cheese”.
Me – Butter looks like cheese?! What did you drink?!!
Nic – Wellll, you know I get that white cheddar in a bar and slice it myself. Best I can figure is I assumed the butter was cheese and the note was like a Public Service Announcement for myself.
Me- That’s hysterical!
Setting – Average afternoon lunch with various colleagues on the patio of a bistro. The conversation turns to relationships.
James, 23 year old, “Well, I’ve had like three cougars.”
Me-(snapping back into conversation after looking at my phone) “You who-a-what. what?”
James- “Relationships… I have experience with cougars, I’ve dated three of them.”
Shandra, 40+ year old, “Well, isn’t that something?! James, if you like older women then maybe I should introduce you to my friend…” (picks up phone to look for a picture of the friend)
Nic, 30+ years old, reaches for Shandra’s arm like she’s trying to stop a train wreck. “Waaaiiit a second, Shandra.” ( Nic looks at James ) “James, what is a cougar to you. How old is that?”
James- (serious voice, as if to educate the group) “A cougar is woman over thirty that still wants to have sex.”
Shandra – (puts down her phone and speaks to James flatly) “Oh sweetie, that’s not a COUGAR! That’s called UN-MARRIED. “
I read a recent interview with Vince Vaughn, in it he comments on how he disagrees with how men approach dating.
The article quotes him disagreeing with the manipulation tactic often used to make a woman feel bad enough about herself to date a guy.
Though shocking & bad – it happens & it works. Women are a breeding ground for socially instilled insecurity, then there are individual insecurities. It’s the perfect scam…but why does it work !?
Desire for human companionship is in males & females however- the desired type of company is the dating impasse.
Males typically want a woman as a cure to loneliness ( when he is lonely.)
Females typically want a man to cure to loneliness ( constantly for partnership.)
Going back to the beginning – in Biblical mythology, Adam was created & as a cure to loneliness Eve was created.
Eve was built to be alongside Adam & in theory only knew & understood partnership. Hmm.
If we go back farther into Eden mythology, Lilith was created alongside Adam with the same independent nature. Often depicted as a dark haired maven, Lilith was banished for not bearing children or being submissive & basically got the street cred for being the demon villain causing crib death in the Middle Ages.
So today – we have guys that evade serious relationships & women who seek it out veraciously willing to do anything to be the “apple” of her man’s eye.
Today – women who are older and never have been married are demonized for dating, for screwing, for being damaged because they have never been picked by a man in marriage.
All through time we have heard of these unpartnered women as : spinster, the witches, the sluts, and now the singles … women are equal to men everywhere but in the minds of both women & men.
Were some of us born to be Lilith’s & others born to be Eve’s ?
I have to wonder, is it as simple as ying/yang ? For every Eve out there, is there a Lilith ?
Were some women created to be alone ?
I finally told Nic that her yoga pants had seen more Real Housewives then a yoga mat. It was time to drop the wine glass and “woe is my singleness” and get out there and embrace her free time.
I met her the next week to discuss her adventures. She had told me on the phone that she had accepted an invite to go see a work-league softball game. At the game, she met Kurtis. He was a SWM 30 something, with great hair and an intelligent knack for light conversation. All the next week, polite texts bleeped on her phone and by the next weekend, the banter got personal.
I met her for a martini and she handed me her phone to read the recent developments with Kurtis.
Nic – Soooo, ( sitting at the table and laying her purse to the seat beside her) I just found out he’s been married before and when I told him I had not been, he asked me if I was (air quotes) “mean or something”.
Me- Ohh Sh*t. Noooo. (shock)
Nic – and he asked me what was wrong with me.
Me – (orders martinis and looks at her wide eyed)
An hour later ….
Nic – So now if you haven’t been legally divorce-dumped you aren’t nice!? ( she looks up at the bartender with a nod and a lift/shake of her martini glass to order another one)
Me – (to Nic) It is kind of illogical that never being married now makes you seem like a liability.
Nic- So is the train of thought, if you haven’t been “picked” – are you destined to be left on the bench?
Me- Woah… is dating in your thirties, actually like softball?
Nic- Don’t you dare make this into an article, I am mean. Oh my god. My mother told me this would happen when I refused to go out with her friend’s second cousin. But he had moth-ball breath, MOTH BALLS. I couldn’t do it. Maybe I am mean and single and I’ll be the mean old lady that neighborhood children are scared of. This is how it happens… how the mean lady gets her street cred.
Me- Can we wait till 60 before we start buying mumu’s and arranging what your haunted cat house is going to look like ? ( laughing )
Nic – Ugggh ( haha ) FINE!
Poor Nic felt like an old maid – destined to be this woman who wasn’t “picked”… but is this theory only for women? Or do men suffer the “never married” stigma as well?
The next day, I met our friend Peter for a round of pool and a catch up chat. Peter was also a 30’s never married “bench warmer” and I decided to ask him his thoughts.
As a bachelor, Peter ranked as the tall, blonde, race-car driving type outlaw meets movie good looks. As he swallowed his sip of a Miller Light, I asked what was it like as a mid-30s single guy.
Peter – (looked at me flatly) you are writing about this topic aren’t ya? (smiles and hands me his pool cue) I can be interviewed after I pee, Barbara WaWa.
Me – (smile/laugh) shut up and go to the bathroom ( take the pool cue as he walks off to the men’s room)
I killed my drink, motioned for another round and lit one of his cigarettes.
Peter – (back from the bathroom and taking the cue ) so what is this all about. I want to find love and in the mean time I want to get laid. Pretty simple.
Me – (thoughtfully nodds a response while taking a sip of my beer) Ha, you forgot to mention that since you have been 21, you have continued to date girls of the same age …even though you get older.
Peter – hmm Ha yea. Your shot. ( he points to the pool table with this beer)
I changed the conversation, I knew he was lonely – and though I was curious, I would not pry into it.
As I puffed on another of his Camel lights and swallowed the last bit of my warm beer, it hit me!!
The “formerly married” now in the single game, have an advantage over relationship rookies. They have the experience of the rise and fall of marriage, which gives insight on what will and won’t work for them in their relationship futures.
Maybe those of never married “bench sitters” can take this tip. In the game of love and dating maybe we need to keep in mind what we learned from our dating experiences to make thoughtful choices in our dating futures.
*Oh and it never worked out for Nic and Kurtis. Peter is still a bachelor.
** Nic and Pete would be perfect for each other…
Let’s play ballllll !